Saturday, September 13, 2008

Now this topic is very close to my A***, oops sorry, heart. . There are so many times when in a day or a week or a month you feel the pain right where you don’t want it to be. And then you find yourself saying explicit words which you might regret later as sometimes Eminem or 50 Cent just copy those expletives along some beats and sell it for millions of bucks (American Ones). Anyway getting back to the A*** ,oops sorry again, heart of the matter, I would jot down some points here which really make me feel like the topic precisely:

The following comments are completely fictional or out of personal experiences and are not an attempt to hurt anyone’s feelings by getting them to remember the A***felt, oops sorry again, heartfelt times. Incase you get offended then leave a comment after logging on from your blogger account, and I would personally make sure that you get a piece of my A***, oops sorry again,mind.

From now on and through the post we will refer the topic name as “FDitA” and similarly, just for context reasons, the points have been divided into two broad categories of a person’s life – PROFESSIONAL (See, it already feels like you’ve just been “FDitA” & PERSONAL (AAooww, it hurts) :


  • When your boss’s secretary is hot, and she has hots for you. And your boss comes to know of it and sends you on-site for the next one year. (C’mon dude I never had hots for her)
  • When your boss commits a mistake. (According to him, it only happens because of your negligence)
  • When your girlfriend demands a kiss, irrespective of the fact that your boss is sitting just next to you.
  • Whenever bumps happens.
  • Whenever your boss is with you.
  • When a client says that you have done great work, but still nothing quantitative is visible.
  • When your client says that you have not worked at all.
  • When both your client and your boss say that you have not worked.
  • When you work on something all night for a presentation next day and your computer conks off. (Believe me it happens, and they also said that “Computers are here to make life easier for humans)
  • When you are caught playing silly flash games in office.
  • When you leave your phone on your desk by mistake (happens when you really need to use the restroom) and your boss receives the call from some “Sweetbum” in your phonebook.
  • During a presentation a popup of “Wet girls inside” comes on your screen, and your boss just looks at you without saying anything.
  • When you are sent to Chennai for six months.
  • When your boss is on Facebook, and he sends you a friend request but you have to ignore it. (or else your he’ll also know about the points mentioned under the PERSONAL section)
  • When you get a visa for a month long travel even on a Sunday.
  • When you are mimicking your boss and some of your dumbass colleague records it and puts it on youtube.
  • When boss watches the above and sends you a mail with the link, demanding an explanation of the same.
  • When you are in Pakistan for work, and you get irritated by something and you shout out “OH FUCK” and some people by the name “AAFAQ” gets offended.
  • When you go for an interview and the guy behind the desk is some freaking cousin of your present boss.
  • When you make holiday excuses all year long and the only time you are in problem your blames you of a fake one.


  • When Times of India gives a good review for a movie like “Bachna Ae Haseeno” and you actually go and watch it and also take your girlfriend along.
  • When you plan for a trip with your girlfriend and it somehow doesn’t work out.
  • When you are writing a public post with a general mention of the word girlfriend in it.
  • When your girlfriend thinks that every time you use the word girlfriend on your blog is in reference to her.
  • When she read the point mentioned above this one.
  • When your friends form a team and pull a prank on you, which involve your parents, faculty and your girlfriend. (Wow, it just feels like “on 9/11/2001 two planes were rammed up your twin buns instead of the twin towers”)
  • When you watch a movie like “Muskan, starring Aftab” and a few weeks later your take you along for the same goddammn movie again.
  • When you mix your drinks on your first office outbound. (Elaborate --- by the end of the night you start having whisky shots)
  • Whenever your girlfriend is staring at you. (Obviously this is a consequence of something that you have already done, so you try and cute now or else it’ll feel like 9/11 again)
  • When you end up stranded with a very very very very gay guy, in a place where you don’t get autos or cabs.
  • When you come to know that the cool senior who didn’t rag you much in the first semester, used to generally hang out, pay for all your booze, turns out to be gay. (And all this while he had been trying to get you drunk)
  • When you date a senior in college, who is also dating some rogue 6 foot tall guy.
  • When you promised your girlfriend something and forgot.
  • When you are in college and you forget to wish your parents’ anniversary. (Dude, you won’t get your allowance the next month)
  • When you are in class 7th and you don’t know the difference between a guy and a girl. (It happens)


  • When all of the above points keep happening again and again.

Now after writing whatever I have written, I seem to have realized that most of the times anyone can get “FDitA” is due to his boss and his girlfriend. And since I know that both of them might end up reading this blog I am saying “Both of them try and make you a better person at the end of the day, obviously in very different and their own ways”. See, I just scored some points here, so here is my advice to all of you as a consultant, “Make sure you say everything that you want to, and then end it up with a good note and you’ll always succeed”.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Before you read this, I am not a sexist. Its in reference to a certain section of our social environment.

This came to my mind when a friend of mine asked me for a topic to write on and somehow the only thing that came to my mind was “SHOPPING” , its one thing I don’t want to say in public but I go crazy and jumpy when I hear about shopping. The other half of the topic head is something that I have never been able to do or probably I never got a chance to do it and all of you with dirty thinking caps it’s not dirty at all. The term “SOAPING” here refers to the art of watching soaps on TV back to back till u get a back ache.

See the similarities are pretty simple:
  • Both involve a lot of time being wasted (which can be used wisely in things like play station, music)
  • Both activities are rigorously followed by women across the boundaries of nations. Probably female aliens also come to Dubai sometime for shopping.
  • Both are responsible to some extent in adding to the growing economy of India. (Talking about the retail boom and revival of television as a great media tool rather than the idiot-box)
  • Both have an equal number of guys hooked to them, probably more in some instances.
  • Both require a lot of patience and strain on your back. Proper study has to be done on ergonomics so people can live longer doing both the things.
  • Gujju Aunties (Last but not the least)

Ok now let’s see some conversations which I have overheard snooping around in malls and drawing rooms:

Scene 1: Two women, Mid thirties, have just discovered a very popular designer red blouse (just like some dude discovered Harappa civilization).

Woman 1: Oh my gawd, did u see this!! I had been looking for this since so so so long. I just can’t believe that I am getting just what I had wanted (Now notice here the so so so long seems as if she’s been looking for this piece even before she was born, and that its exactly what she wanted as if the list of wanted things is so small)

Woman 2: Oh!! How nice, really nice. (How the hell did she get that before me, I’ll try and dissuade her from buying this and I’ll pick it up later)

Woman 1: I just love the color and the design. (By design she means the fit and the styling)

Woman 2: Ya I know. But I think Mandy, has it already. Remember she wore it in Donkey’s birthday party. (What do you think woman, I am smarter than you)

Woman 1: Aww, now I can’t take this. This is so bad, why everything I want in life does get common so soon. (Shit, that bitch Mandy already took it, now I’ll sleep with her husband and her boyfriend too to get my revenge)

Woman 2: Its ok darling. We’ll definitely get something else. (Yipee, wow, oh my gawd she bought my shitty thought)

Woman 1: I know. Let’s check some lingerie; they always have some good stuff in that section. (My husband never minds me shopping for sexy lingerie, so let’s spend some money and time there)

Scene 2: A group of Women, Drawing room, Mixed age groups, discussing some episode of some saas bahu and beti drama.

Woman 1: Do you know what “KUNTI” did last time? (Watch the reference being made to Kunti (a vamp like character in “not less than an emmy nominated role” as a real life person)

Woman 2: Hey Bhagwaan, ye Kunti ko to family se bahar kar dena chahiye. (oh!! God, this woman kunti should be disowned by the family)

Woman 3: But I think ye saas-bahu to aise hi ladte hain, aur aise hi ladte rahenge, just like my saas hates me. (but I think the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law always fight like this, will keep on doing it till the end of time, just like my mother in law hates me)

Woman 4: That’s why I stopped watching these kinda shows altogether.

Woman 1 , Woman 2, Woman 3 , Woman 4, Woman 5 , Woman 6, Woman 7 , Woman 8, Woman 9 , Woman 10, Woman 11, Woman 12, Woman 13 , Woman 14, Woman 15 , ……… and all the women in the “SAAS BAHU FOREVER CLAN” : Gasp for a breather, and shout ,, what the hell do you do all day.

Woman 4: I watch “'Babul Ka Angan Chhootey Na', 'Sapna Babul Ka Bidaai', 'Ghar Ki Lakshmi Betiyaan', 'Amber Dhara', 'Radha Ki Betiyaan Kuch Kar Dikhayegi', 'Kis Desh Mein Hai Mera Dil' and 'Maayka'”

So that’s how these serials are the most vicious circle of events that never let anyone escape from them.

Anyway,,, lately I have realized that my blog has been all about bitching ,, “about people, to the people and on a for-people forum”. See it sounds so much like Government of India – “of the people, by the people and for the people”

Adios :)