Wednesday, November 5, 2008

You see, I have recently learnt driving. And it’s awesome. But being in Delhi a foul word here and there is normal while driving, especially when you have dumb-ass females thinking that the horn is just an extension of their freaking thumb and all the people on the roads will be as nice to them as their boyfriends. Anyway my girlfriend being as proactive as she is, soon realized that I had started using the F-word a lot while driving, so she came up with this wonderful idea that whenever I have something bad to say I should just say “OH”.

Isn’t it.

I love the idea. Its so creative, i mean just imagine guys. Just put yourself in the situation below:

Scene : A cab driver, overtakes u rashly.

Your original sentence (YOS) : B*********, M********, S**** K* G*****, %&#@*^#(&)#$)*)()%#&(*#&*. (currently you are not thinking anything else)

Girlfriend modified sentence (GMS) : “OH”, ………………………silence………….., (currently you are thinking about YOS and will keep thinking about till you finally say it and end up getting a rap from your girlfriend who knows this already and was waiting for you to revert to the YOS )

Apart form this, a lot of my friends are also surprised andamazed at me learning this amazing skill of driving , that too so soon in my life. All through college some of them alleged that I don’t know how to ride a geared bike also. But I was unfazed by all this as “ye sab to opposition ki chaal hai”, and I would like to thank the almighty for giving me strength and perseverance to learn a skill which I thought was limited to pimps like Hamilton. S** of a B**** won the freaking race. The B***** are taking over the world. Last week saw a B**** champion for F1 and now a B***** president for the country that is as racist as me.

Anyway getting back to the point after drifting a lot from it, see that’s the whole point of this blog, to recognize my potential to write crap and people reading it,, he he ,, got you. Anyway now seriously getting back to the point, here is a list of strengths and weaknesses for the now immensely popular YOS and GMS.



  • Immediate relief from the pain that is caused to you by the F*****.
  • Good for the brain and heart as the agony is turned into joy and fun.
  • The fun part exponentially increases with more male friends in the same vehicle.


  • Makes you look great in front of your girlfriend and other female companions.
  • Less vocab required, so less use of the right part of your brain.
  • Easy on your throat.
  • You might get a kiss, if its one of the better days.



  • Bad bad idea, if you are with someone from your family.
  • Slaps are constant when your girl is sitting with you.
  • Might end up in a fist fight if the guy you used the sentence to a "bihari". They are very sensitive to the hindi versions of the word mother and sister.
  • Very bad idea, if by chance the jerk ahead of you is your boss.


  • No sense of satisfaction.
  • Frustrating at times.
  • Very frustrating at times.
  • Very very frustrating at times.
  • Very very very frustrating at times.

I shall wrap up now, as I have to enGROSS myself in my work. Lol. :D. And ya if you want to add something to the above, click on the comment link below.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

How many times do we wonder why have we not done something for such a long time. I would start with some examples that I have personally faced in my own life or have experienced it through someone’s a** on fire. Oh S***, did I just say the “A” word. Don’t worry it’ll not happen many times in the following lines.

Ya, so where was I. A**. Oh no, I was on things that we like to do or people we like to do (this sentence clearly means people that we like to hang out with), but we don’t do cuz of some of odd reasons like “oh yaar, I have been too busy to wipe my own a**”

Ok, so the list goes like this (includes all the things that are on our minds but we just ignore them cuz of this silly little things called sleep:

Not writing on your blog for a long time. (like right now)
Not taking a shower for days.
Not watching south park for a few days.
Not playing any kinda computer or a hand-held game.
Not checking your mail.
Not meeting your friends

Ok, I really don’t know what I am writing ,, its actually just another writing on the wall which means nothing. It’s been a month and I haven’t written anything, just haven’t got the time. I have something in my mind, but it’ll take time to materialize. Right now a lot of things happening in life, so probably by first week of November, I’ll post ,, post something good. Till then am under immense Blogger performance pressure.

(Bloggggrrrrr) . This image is the fantastic work of the Krish Ashok. There are more also. Click here.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Now this topic is very close to my A***, oops sorry, heart. . There are so many times when in a day or a week or a month you feel the pain right where you don’t want it to be. And then you find yourself saying explicit words which you might regret later as sometimes Eminem or 50 Cent just copy those expletives along some beats and sell it for millions of bucks (American Ones). Anyway getting back to the A*** ,oops sorry again, heart of the matter, I would jot down some points here which really make me feel like the topic precisely:

The following comments are completely fictional or out of personal experiences and are not an attempt to hurt anyone’s feelings by getting them to remember the A***felt, oops sorry again, heartfelt times. Incase you get offended then leave a comment after logging on from your blogger account, and I would personally make sure that you get a piece of my A***, oops sorry again,mind.

From now on and through the post we will refer the topic name as “FDitA” and similarly, just for context reasons, the points have been divided into two broad categories of a person’s life – PROFESSIONAL (See, it already feels like you’ve just been “FDitA” & PERSONAL (AAooww, it hurts) :


  • When your boss’s secretary is hot, and she has hots for you. And your boss comes to know of it and sends you on-site for the next one year. (C’mon dude I never had hots for her)
  • When your boss commits a mistake. (According to him, it only happens because of your negligence)
  • When your girlfriend demands a kiss, irrespective of the fact that your boss is sitting just next to you.
  • Whenever bumps happens.
  • Whenever your boss is with you.
  • When a client says that you have done great work, but still nothing quantitative is visible.
  • When your client says that you have not worked at all.
  • When both your client and your boss say that you have not worked.
  • When you work on something all night for a presentation next day and your computer conks off. (Believe me it happens, and they also said that “Computers are here to make life easier for humans)
  • When you are caught playing silly flash games in office.
  • When you leave your phone on your desk by mistake (happens when you really need to use the restroom) and your boss receives the call from some “Sweetbum” in your phonebook.
  • During a presentation a popup of “Wet girls inside” comes on your screen, and your boss just looks at you without saying anything.
  • When you are sent to Chennai for six months.
  • When your boss is on Facebook, and he sends you a friend request but you have to ignore it. (or else your he’ll also know about the points mentioned under the PERSONAL section)
  • When you get a visa for a month long travel even on a Sunday.
  • When you are mimicking your boss and some of your dumbass colleague records it and puts it on youtube.
  • When boss watches the above and sends you a mail with the link, demanding an explanation of the same.
  • When you are in Pakistan for work, and you get irritated by something and you shout out “OH FUCK” and some people by the name “AAFAQ” gets offended.
  • When you go for an interview and the guy behind the desk is some freaking cousin of your present boss.
  • When you make holiday excuses all year long and the only time you are in problem your blames you of a fake one.


  • When Times of India gives a good review for a movie like “Bachna Ae Haseeno” and you actually go and watch it and also take your girlfriend along.
  • When you plan for a trip with your girlfriend and it somehow doesn’t work out.
  • When you are writing a public post with a general mention of the word girlfriend in it.
  • When your girlfriend thinks that every time you use the word girlfriend on your blog is in reference to her.
  • When she read the point mentioned above this one.
  • When your friends form a team and pull a prank on you, which involve your parents, faculty and your girlfriend. (Wow, it just feels like “on 9/11/2001 two planes were rammed up your twin buns instead of the twin towers”)
  • When you watch a movie like “Muskan, starring Aftab” and a few weeks later your take you along for the same goddammn movie again.
  • When you mix your drinks on your first office outbound. (Elaborate --- by the end of the night you start having whisky shots)
  • Whenever your girlfriend is staring at you. (Obviously this is a consequence of something that you have already done, so you try and cute now or else it’ll feel like 9/11 again)
  • When you end up stranded with a very very very very gay guy, in a place where you don’t get autos or cabs.
  • When you come to know that the cool senior who didn’t rag you much in the first semester, used to generally hang out, pay for all your booze, turns out to be gay. (And all this while he had been trying to get you drunk)
  • When you date a senior in college, who is also dating some rogue 6 foot tall guy.
  • When you promised your girlfriend something and forgot.
  • When you are in college and you forget to wish your parents’ anniversary. (Dude, you won’t get your allowance the next month)
  • When you are in class 7th and you don’t know the difference between a guy and a girl. (It happens)


  • When all of the above points keep happening again and again.

Now after writing whatever I have written, I seem to have realized that most of the times anyone can get “FDitA” is due to his boss and his girlfriend. And since I know that both of them might end up reading this blog I am saying “Both of them try and make you a better person at the end of the day, obviously in very different and their own ways”. See, I just scored some points here, so here is my advice to all of you as a consultant, “Make sure you say everything that you want to, and then end it up with a good note and you’ll always succeed”.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Before you read this, I am not a sexist. Its in reference to a certain section of our social environment.

This came to my mind when a friend of mine asked me for a topic to write on and somehow the only thing that came to my mind was “SHOPPING” , its one thing I don’t want to say in public but I go crazy and jumpy when I hear about shopping. The other half of the topic head is something that I have never been able to do or probably I never got a chance to do it and all of you with dirty thinking caps it’s not dirty at all. The term “SOAPING” here refers to the art of watching soaps on TV back to back till u get a back ache.

See the similarities are pretty simple:
  • Both involve a lot of time being wasted (which can be used wisely in things like play station, music)
  • Both activities are rigorously followed by women across the boundaries of nations. Probably female aliens also come to Dubai sometime for shopping.
  • Both are responsible to some extent in adding to the growing economy of India. (Talking about the retail boom and revival of television as a great media tool rather than the idiot-box)
  • Both have an equal number of guys hooked to them, probably more in some instances.
  • Both require a lot of patience and strain on your back. Proper study has to be done on ergonomics so people can live longer doing both the things.
  • Gujju Aunties (Last but not the least)

Ok now let’s see some conversations which I have overheard snooping around in malls and drawing rooms:

Scene 1: Two women, Mid thirties, have just discovered a very popular designer red blouse (just like some dude discovered Harappa civilization).

Woman 1: Oh my gawd, did u see this!! I had been looking for this since so so so long. I just can’t believe that I am getting just what I had wanted (Now notice here the so so so long seems as if she’s been looking for this piece even before she was born, and that its exactly what she wanted as if the list of wanted things is so small)

Woman 2: Oh!! How nice, really nice. (How the hell did she get that before me, I’ll try and dissuade her from buying this and I’ll pick it up later)

Woman 1: I just love the color and the design. (By design she means the fit and the styling)

Woman 2: Ya I know. But I think Mandy, has it already. Remember she wore it in Donkey’s birthday party. (What do you think woman, I am smarter than you)

Woman 1: Aww, now I can’t take this. This is so bad, why everything I want in life does get common so soon. (Shit, that bitch Mandy already took it, now I’ll sleep with her husband and her boyfriend too to get my revenge)

Woman 2: Its ok darling. We’ll definitely get something else. (Yipee, wow, oh my gawd she bought my shitty thought)

Woman 1: I know. Let’s check some lingerie; they always have some good stuff in that section. (My husband never minds me shopping for sexy lingerie, so let’s spend some money and time there)

Scene 2: A group of Women, Drawing room, Mixed age groups, discussing some episode of some saas bahu and beti drama.

Woman 1: Do you know what “KUNTI” did last time? (Watch the reference being made to Kunti (a vamp like character in “not less than an emmy nominated role” as a real life person)

Woman 2: Hey Bhagwaan, ye Kunti ko to family se bahar kar dena chahiye. (oh!! God, this woman kunti should be disowned by the family)

Woman 3: But I think ye saas-bahu to aise hi ladte hain, aur aise hi ladte rahenge, just like my saas hates me. (but I think the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law always fight like this, will keep on doing it till the end of time, just like my mother in law hates me)

Woman 4: That’s why I stopped watching these kinda shows altogether.

Woman 1 , Woman 2, Woman 3 , Woman 4, Woman 5 , Woman 6, Woman 7 , Woman 8, Woman 9 , Woman 10, Woman 11, Woman 12, Woman 13 , Woman 14, Woman 15 , ……… and all the women in the “SAAS BAHU FOREVER CLAN” : Gasp for a breather, and shout ,, what the hell do you do all day.

Woman 4: I watch “'Babul Ka Angan Chhootey Na', 'Sapna Babul Ka Bidaai', 'Ghar Ki Lakshmi Betiyaan', 'Amber Dhara', 'Radha Ki Betiyaan Kuch Kar Dikhayegi', 'Kis Desh Mein Hai Mera Dil' and 'Maayka'”

So that’s how these serials are the most vicious circle of events that never let anyone escape from them.

Anyway,,, lately I have realized that my blog has been all about bitching ,, “about people, to the people and on a for-people forum”. See it sounds so much like Government of India – “of the people, by the people and for the people”

Adios :)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

This time I’ll not be a racist. I never was. So this time we start by defining the two key terms in the topic.

Anatomy: A detailed examination or analysis

[Middle English anatomie, from Late Latin anatomia, from Greek anatom, dissection : ana-, ana- + tom, a cutting (from temnein, to cut; see tem- in Indo-European roots).]

Graduate: One who has received an academic degree or diploma.

[Middle English graduaten, to confer a degree, from Medieval Latin gradur, gradut-, to take a degree, from Latin gradus, step; see grade.]

So it simply comes to a detailed analysis of one who has received an academic degree or diploma. See sometimes to make up good sentences u just need to put two very vague words together. That’s what you do when you do corporate bull-shit.

Lets start by identifying certain common traits that we find among these people who grow at a rate of 690,359 per year. (The figure mentioned here is only for US). Now most of you are going like “oh.. look at this ass, he is taking figures from the US, why can’t he take figures from education department of India”. Well I did look around and after much patience I did get an annual report, but who the hell would download a 60 mega-byte pdf (portable document format), it really isn’t that portable. Ok getting back to the point; here I have tried listing the common traits of a graduate:

Bright Eyed Boys & Girls: How many times have we heard the term before? Its like a generic term used by all the senior VPs and all the crappy people. They use this term because they really don’t think that the new guys can do something good except adding the extra light in the organization by being bright eyed.

Nation’s future: Well, why the future. Alternately, they are also called by the same damn people as “fresher”. This word has a far more meaning to our bright eyed boys and girls, it labels them as “you don’t know shit, you have no experience”. Why can’t they be the nation’s present.

Buzzwords: Somehow these bright eyed boys and girls are not very used to the corporate BS or in other terms corporate buzzwords. You see when somebody uses terms like “interchangeable virtual capacity” & “synchronized structured time-phase”, they really don’t mean anything except creating some buzz. When the oldies use these terms and hear them they feel buzzed, but the younger lot compare this buzz to a “fart”. It creates a buzz but it’s of no use.

Job Profile: This is one of the most controversial terms that this world has seen since Monica Lewinsky. There are some additional words used to this term, like “challenging”, “positive”, “rewarding” and blah and blah. This is more often used in campus placements where organizations come and try and under-buy talent. What these HR guys don’t understand is that all the bright eyed boys and girls hate working for less packages no matter how challenging and rewarding the job profile may sound. If you tell a 23 yr old to be president of the country without any salary and extra benefits or the Rashtrapati Bhavan, nobody would give a s***.

In the end I would say that all these so called graduates want nothing much except getting paid for whatever effort they put in. Yes, there are some free loaders and you cant avoid them, but these free loaders are present at the top of the organization chart.

The second thing that most of them want is to advance fast in their careers and not be a 45 yr old boss who is still working as a senior manager. Although only a few of the graduates are actually “OVER ACHIEVERS”, but the rest also are aggressive enough that they have to sometimes wear black ray-bans to hide the bright eyes.

Cheers to us and our dream,
Beer cans,
Nice froth and cream,
Hell with corporatism, Lets get extreme.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Now please don't say that I am being a racist again. I sometimes do get the urges to be one, but as a matter of fact I love Pakistan. You see the title of the boggle and then you might right on say that am saying Pakistan is ugly, but its not, it’s a place you can't say as good or bad or ugly. It’s like a matter of fact, "PAKISTAN". It’s a land which is most like India, although not constitutionally, but yes socially it is India’s twin.

You really are not taking me seriously here, you really don’t, but on an inspirational note, let me try and prove it to you how alike is Pakistan to India:

And these are things apart from the BORDER we share:

1. Nose diggers; and proud
2. You can piss on the road but not kiss
3. You find people with origins from Bihar and Punjab all over the country
4. All phone companies promise you the best call rates and a free sim card
5. For everything that is wrong people instantly blame the government or the
6. You find people “DOING THE THING”, in shady parks and parking lots
7. Guys who think long hair are still in, and John Abraham in Dhoom as the real casanova
8. Politicians are actually corrupt
9. People turning up late for their office
10. You are not allowed to talk about “SAX”
11. Hot women driving around in hot cars
12. Dawood Ibrahim
13. Have a “father of the nation”.
14. Have No. 13’s photo on their currency
15. No. 13’s is actually the guy who wanted eternal glory and got it
16. FTV
18. Jacking off while No. 17 is on No. 16
19. & 20. Always beating around the bush (for people who didn’t get it, am
talking about 2 bushes, the real one and the G.W. Bush
21. Pirated hindi movies
22. Love for cricket
23. Fans of football, just like to watch it but not play
24. Have beer (Whenever possible)
25. Popularity of chicken Tikka
26. The masses really don’t know why is the fight still on for J & K
27. National air carrier sucks
28. Proud farters, just like Terrance & Phillip. “Hey Phillip, what’s the time.?
29. Street dogs & eve-teasers
30. Ass-lickers on the loose

Well, after No. 25 I started to feel the writer’s block, and was quite not able to think straight. Anyway, am sure I can take this list to a 100 in some other post later. But that will be later. For now, I am in love with the food this country has to offer, although I have heard that shopping is one thing that is better than the food. I don’t believe and neither would you, if you were here.

I can’t go to a mall or watch a movie here just because am a STAG, now how do I solve that problem, either I manage without going, or I make a girlfriend here, which I can’t because firstly I already have a girlfriend and I am hopelessly in love with her, and secondly if I really want to watch a movie and I tell my girlfriend and she allows me date here just for the movie, the girl I date here will definitely have brothers, who’ll kill me sooner or later.Ok, I know why do u think I assumed that the girl would have brothers, cuz the minimum siblings I have seen here is 4, and not to have a brother in the other 3 is quite a less probability.

The truth to be realized now is that I am here right now, and I have never faced a bad situation and I hope that I never do, cuz I don’t want to spoil my good feelings for this country and its people.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Bumps & Lumps

"goddammit, i have to go to office again" , i thought lazily crawling around in my bed. Trying to forget the world and its miseries.

Sounds Dramatic

The universal set of my life consists of a lot of things, but right now when am working my ass off as a 23 yr old, I think “my world” (current sub set to the universal set, which would include all the people, things & activities that I need most, to be) will be :

* my girlfriend {one person I really want to be with right now}
* my psp {one things I surely I can’t live without}
* friends and weekend trips {best part of life}
* my job {it pays for the above}
* sleeping till 11 in the morning {this one is like a distant dream}
* being on client site {interacting with people who have lesser IQ than a
brainless toad}
* travel because of work {its fun, but only the shorter trips}
* eating pizza with beer {this I do no matter where I am, except in Islamic
countries where latter becomes an issue}

The aforementioned are my life, but there are alongwith the bumps and the lumps. Bumps I would define as things which happen only when you think life is just

going perfect, e.g.

Act 1, Scene 1:
Description: You are in bed with your girl, telling her how you can see the pole star-like sparkle in her eyes when she’s with you, and your boss calls up and informs you about travel.

U: I have no words to describe how beautiful you look right now [has no idea about what should he say to make her feel good]
GF: mwwaahh .. [I know he is saying this so that we can make out, but I’ll lay for a while, lets see how much can he talk ;)]

The phone rings .. (the ringtone is "she’ll be loved")

BOSS: Hi XXXX (SOP 1 – talk in a casual tone, so that the poor guy doesn’t get startled on a Sunday)
U: Hi XXXX (what the hell)
BOSS: Are you free right now (SOP 2- Even if u r not, I’ll talk to u anyway)
U: Ya, got up a little while back (How the hell does it matter to you, blab now)
BOSS: You need to travel for this XXXX client tomorrow, I am getting ur tickets done by the morning flight (SOP 3- Morning flight means a 5 o’clock flight and

thts cuz its cheaper, cuz anyway time is not important, the client sucks big time)


U: Ok (There it was, did u see the bump, it just hit u hard)
BOSS: I’ll am also traveling tomorrow but I’ll be back in 2-3 days. (SOP 5- try and console by telling that I am flying by business class on a 10 o’clock flight and I’ll be back before the weekend, cuz I have a personal life)
U: Ok (Still in the shock of the bump)
BOSS: Bye (SOP 6- HA HA HA HA, now that I have ruined your day, start packing)

Similarly, there are lumps, these I can define as the comforting gulps that you take in while breathing to come to terms with your life. e.g.

Act 1, Scene 2:
Description: You are sitting in a corner, with your head down, your girlfriend staring at you, in disbelief obviously.

GF: Hey, its ok, its your job after all (trying to console, and also talking to herself , “find yourself another one”)
U: I don’t know (he has no idea what to say and what not, really doesn’t know, its called the “bumped effect” worse than its brother “dumped effect”)
GF: Awww, come here, mwwaahh (she pulls you close and kisses you)


U: I don’t know what would I do without you (this time he really means it, cuz he takes a lump inside and accepts that its ok to be bumped in life sometimes)
GF: I am there for you (lets see how long will I be, if it continues)


U: I know, and I’ll look for a new job soon (still meaning what he says)
GF: mwwaahhh ( you are my superhero)

So this is how the bumps and lumps work for me, ya they may differ for everyone. But the bump and lump law says that “for every bump, there are atleast 2 or more opposite lumps”